Today, a good friend of mine was excited to share that her child got into a very good Catholic School in the city.  I was overjoyed for her.  I exclaimed that it was great for her child, fully knowing my child does not have the option to go to a Private or Catholic school due to our sexual orientation.  My child is experiencing for the first time that she is different from the other children in her class because she has two mothers.  I told my friend that though we are experiencing all kinds of issues at my child’s current school I could not enroll her in a place where she is not seen, heard, or safe.  My friend became angry and shared that she believed I was insinuating that she did not do her research and enrolled her child in an environment that was unsafe where she would not be seen or heard.  She continued by saying “Chick-fil-a does not support gay people, but people still eat there.”  I followed with “well my family does not eat there, but I see your point.”  Our exchange caused me to reflect on the difficult tasks of Motherhood.  

My friend is a woman married to a man. As a result, she could not grasp that enrollment decisions for my child are different from hers or see that our lives are vastly impacted by our sexual orientation. Similarly, a single mother’s life is very different from mine as a co-mother with my wife.  Our choices and sacrifices are different.  The social implications for our child are different.  The reasons our child experiences bullying is different.  However, all of us are mothers doing the best we can to rear our children through our life choices and realities. Our conversation led me to think about the diversity of motherhood and the reality that mothers come in all forms. If someone calls you a bonus mom, YOU ARE A MOTHER.  If your child is no longer with us, YOU ARE A MOTHER.  If your child has two moms, one mom, a grandma who raises them, an aunt who cares for them, a God Mother or chosen mother who steps in and up without fail YOU ARE A MOTHER!

Regardless of how or for how long, it is hard being a mother.   

I salute and applaud every mother for doing what they deem necessary in rearing their child.  I realize that what is best for one of us may not be what is best for another, but that is a reason to celebrate not to create division or anger. Mothers tend to be the one a child calls on when they are scared, confused, lost, sad, hungry, sleepy, happy, etc; however, all of us do not exhibit those traits. I am called on for structure, advice, certainty, delicious meals, discipline, and fun.  My child seeks her mommy everytime they need love, a soft voice, and comfort. My child sleeps soundly in the arms of their mommy. It is the safest place on earth for them.  I watch my wife in awe.  She has never been a mother before and yet she makes it look so easy.  I celebrate her because growing up I did not have the relationship with my mother like she does with our child.  My mother and I did not become close until after my grandmother’s passing.  

To me my grandmother was the rarest air.  She loved who you were without fail, without malice, and without judgment. Hers was the kind of love that changes who you are because you love someone else for who and what they are, too.  It is the kind of love exhibited in “Ma, Where’s Mommy?” when Mommy makes the sacrifice to take the baby to work with her.  In making this choice, she exposes the child to a worldview that creates and drives change.  She demonstrates a different example of sacrificial love when she continues to advocate for civil rights across the country for work while the child stays home and learns from the other mother.  Ma did not spend as much time with the child and sacrificed those early years for the benefit of their family.  It becomes Ma’s turn to learn to hear, see, and train their child and provide a safe space for the child to learn. 

“Ma, Where’s Mommy?” is a coming of age story not just for the child but for both moms.  Neither were mothers before.  They knew mothers but none were the kind of mothers they are – Black lesbians with strong faith building a family amidst today’s ideological divides.  “Ma, Where’s Mommy?” is a testament to mothers mothering differently and that being celebrated.  

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there!  Dare to be different. Dare to do what is best for your child or children.  Be bold enough to see and hear the unique needs of your child and family. Provide a safe space for your child even though that space may not be ideal for another child or their family. It is impossible to spell “Mother” without the word “other.” Embrace what makes your m/otherhood unique, universal, and uplifted.

The “Ma, Where’s Mommy?” Book Tour may be coming to a city near you.  If you are in any of the following cities, come and meet the author.  You may even get a chance to meet the child that inspired the work!